A Carlisle nurse has come out as transgender after 35 years of anguish and lies.
Tabbetha Oakes works at the Cumberland Infirmary and came out in October last year – and is now sharing her story for LGBT+ History Month.
She said: “I used to dress up in my sister’s and mother’s clothes when I was younger, but was strongly discouraged by my parents who wanted me to comply with my assigned at birth gender of male.
“You have to remember that this was in the early 80s where gays and lesbians were only talked about in relation to AIDS and transgender was referred to as ‘tranny’ and talking about the Kenny Everett Show.
“So, I complied with my parents’ wishes and kept it hidden for 35 years. I did what was expected of me, to have a girlfriend, get married and have a family and repressed it completely until two to two-and-a-half years ago.
“In 2012 I questioned my sexuality, I kept thinking I was gay, but then in about 2020 to 2021 I realised that it was not my sexuality I was unhappy with, but my gender. At this point I started dressing privately at home on my days off.
“Then, in June 2022, I attended the Royal College of Nursing congress in Glasgow, a city I knew well. I stayed for three nights and decided to go out dressed in public for the first time. It just felt right, I was accepted by the people I met and felt happy and more confident.”
Tabbetha added that she could not fault the support she had received from her colleagues and the trust since coming out.
She said: “I came out earlier than I had planned. Keeping my struggle with my sexuality – and then with my gender – a secret for so long caused a lot of mental anguish. This led to arguments, unhappiness and frustration in my personal life.
“I have always had a closer bond with female colleagues, from school all the way up to the present day. I currently have regular counselling to help with my mental health and my transition.
“All my friends, newly reconnected former colleagues and friends and current colleagues have all been very supportive to me since coming out. They’ve even given me advice on make-up and things like that, I can’t fault their support. I’ve been very open with them and I let them ask me any questions they have.
“I also see this a bit of therapy for me, and coming from a medical background, it’s an opportunity to educate people about what’s involved with the transition from male to female, as a lot of people don’t know much about it.”
Tabbetha has worked for the North Cumbria Integrated Care NHS Foundation Trust for 10 years and said she had always wanted to be a nurse.
She added: “I wanted to be a nurse when I was 18, but my school discouraged me. The school had a very old fashioned view that men were doctors and women were nurses.”
After careers as a plumber and hotel owner, Tabbetha eventually trained to be a nurse in Dumfries, graduating in 2012 with a Bsc with distinction in adult nursing.
Since starting her transition journey, she said she has a better quality of life and intends to undergo surgery and become fully transitioned by mid-2025.
She added: “I am proud of who I am and I have nothing to hide anymore – that sums me up perfectly at the moment. My colleagues would say that I am happier, that I’ve got more confidence and that I’m less introverted.
“I have also become happier in my everyday life, because I am no longer keeping this huge secret. I feel that me transitioning is allowing me to be who I have always been deep inside.”
With LGBT+ History Month now in full swing, Tabbetha said it has given her the chance to tell her story and celebrate others who paved the way for transgender people.
She said: “This year’s LGBT+ History Month means a lot to me as a celebration and understanding of all the people who have gone before me and paved the way, to give me the confidence to come out and be my true self as Tabbetha. Maybe if it had been around 35-40 years ago I might have not complied with what was expected of me by my parents.
“We need to celebrate, remember and understand the struggles of our community to reach the point of where we are today. I want to be true to myself and I hope that my story will give anyone else struggling with their gender identity of sexuality the confidence to take the step and come out, and be true to themselves.”
Justine Steele, executive director of people and organisational development at the trust, said: “North Cumbria Integrated Care NHS Foundation Trust strives to be a fully inclusive NHS trust and we are proud of all of our employees regardless of their sexuality, race or gender.
“The trust has a gender inclusion policy which is an important in ensuring fairness and inclusivity for everyone in line with our trust values of kindness, ambition, respect and collaboration.
“Today, we respect people for who they are. Everyone should feel able to express their views, their feelings and their relationships much more openly and here we welcome that. We wish Tabbetha well on her transition journey.”
