Last month I turned 31; an age I never intended to be.
From my school days as a depressed teenager, 30 had always been a self-imposed deadline for my life; if things had not improved by that age then I didn’t want to continue.
There were certain milestones I told myself I had to reach by then for life to be worth living. I wanted a house of my own, a job with a certain salary, a wife to love and an escape from my mental anguish.
Often when I say this to people I get the reply that ‘30 is no age’ and there is plenty of time to achieve those goals.
Of course, they’re right, but try telling this to my younger self, looking desperately for some markers to make life seem worthwhile. When you’re struggling and at your lowest ebb it is easy to think ‘if only’; ‘If only I could buy a house then things would be better’, ‘If only I could get married then I’d feel happier’.
But the truth is that all too often you’re setting yourself up to fail, firstly because once you achieve those things then new desires will take their place, secondly because they won’t make any real difference unless you can come to terms with yourself.
Today, I can tell you that I haven’t reached any of these benchmarks, but I don’t feel the need to escape anymore.
What I have achieved in the past five years is managing to face my struggles head on and ask for support from family and friends to see me through.
I’ve found solace in the hills and my love of cooking in high places. I’ve replaced alcohol and smoking with exercise and I have managed to make a career from what I love.
More than anything, I have learned to appreciate each moment and every day for what it brings, rather than wishing my life away on distant goals.
To those who are struggling I know this may sound trite – maybe even self-satisfied.
I remember my own weariness at people constantly telling me things would get better. I am not trying to say that life suddenly becomes a bed of roses.
I will probably always have my struggles keeping ‘the black dog’ on a tight leash.
What has changed is accepting that part of myself and living with it in a way that doesn’t require daily sedation through alcohol and comfort eating.
Instead I deal with it by letting it push me to push myself to live a better and fuller life.
So what to do if you’re where I was? When the next decade, the next year, the next day is just too much to face.
As difficult as it may seem, I can’t express how important it is to reach out to people and tell them how you’re feeling. But, just as importantly, we can all take time to check in with an old friend, relative, work colleague or even – why not? – a complete stranger and ask: ‘Are you OK?’
It is incredible how this simple question could signal the beginning of a massive change in someone’s life and set them on the path to a future where, like me, they look back at their younger self and are glad they made the decision to continue with life.
