It’s time to be honest, because recently I’ve begun feeling like an imposter.
The problem with sharing a story of recovery is that people tend to think you have overcome your issues and you’re now ‘the finished article’, free of the problems you once endured.
However, the truth is that my recovery has not finished. I don’t have the luxury of describing it in the past tense. It is far from certain if I ever will.
The fact that I have been struggling recently may have been obvious to anyone who follows me on social media. I have put on weight, there is an extra strain and fatigue in my eyes.
Like so many people who live with mental illness, I found lockdown particularly tough.
Essential emotional outlets like the gym were closed off and daily exercise felt like it was something that was monitored and controlled: We lost the freedom to wander uninhibited by what others were thinking of us.
Although for many people the pandemic restrictions may seem like a distant memory – almost a dream – for others they are a source of upheaval and broken routine which continues to affect them to this day. When you are already struggling, the emotional impact of almost anything is magnified.
My response was to lean on my old crutch of overeating. Without the therapy and distraction of company and exercise my demons began to return.
How can I be expected to stand up in front of people now and talk about how I faced down those very same demons in the past? I speak the words but they sound increasingly hollow. I feel like I am not practising what I preach.
So, I think it’s time to be truthful. I am fighting. I am trying. But I’m finding it tough.
At times like these even the basics of getting out of bed and opening the curtains can seem like a challenge. But just as the difficulties life throws at you are exaggerated, a kind word or deed can carry extra weight too. I recently posted a video on Instagram admitting that I was having a tough time and, as usual, was touched by the messages of encouragement I received.
These included many from people who have had similar experiences but come through the other side.
They have helped me focus on looking forward to the future and drawing on healthy habits. I need to have faith that now, as in the past, this will lead to a better place. It might take time but it will happen.
I have begun to appreciate that I am not an imposter at all. My words are only hollow if I pretend otherwise. We should never be scared to say: ‘I am not OK’.
