King of the road

Question. What really matters when you are choosing a car?

Is it the performance? Probably not. Is it the handling? I doubt it. Is it the look? Most definitely and if you don’t believe me, then consider the Ineos Grenadier Quartermaster.

Is the pick-up version of the Grenadier quick off the mark? Well, for something weighing in at close to three tonnes it’s better than you think, but it’s no sportscar and certainly not an EV.

Does it handle like a coupe? Don’t be silly. It is tall and heavy and packs a set of proper off-road knobbly tyres. It also has strange non-self-centring steering which feels a tad vague at first.

Does any of this matter? No, not one bit. Why? Because it looks soooo cool. Just look at it. Part old Defender, part G-Wagon, part Humvee. What’s not to love?

It is massive, oozing road presence and when you sit up high behind the wheel you feel like you are king of the road…and are about to head off into battle.

People look, in fact they stare, they nod with approval and the bolder ones actually approach and ask you what it’s like. You are a star, a novelty and you can’t help swelling with pride.

Inside is more than a match for the macho exterior. There are big chunky switches, all clearly labelled, the size of Munchies, big enough to operate while wearing thick gloves, and a beautiful antidote to the current obsession with fiddly touchscreens.

They don’t hide behind layers of irritating swipey screens, they just sit there in your face and lodged in your memory – lovely.

There’s a set on the central transmission tunnel stretching up into the dash then another glorious array, aircraft-style, on the overhead console in the roof, separating two glass sniper hatches.

If you have accessories – such as roof tent, light bar, or missile silo – then you can wire them in directly to the bank of roofline switches.

There’s even a red button on the steering wheel. Why? Well, the designer loves Spitfires and wanted something that looks like the button to operate the machine guns. It actually hoots the horn – parp, parp – but not as loudly as the main horn in the centre of the steering wheel.

Add in a couple of Recaro seats in the double-cab and a conker brown leather steering wheel and the interior is a splendid place to be.

There is a small touchscreen but functions are limited to Apple CarPlay and the infotainment centre so it doesn’t distract you from your driving.

That’s a good thing as Quartermaster requires a bit more concentration than your average bland-mobile and is, therefore, very rewarding to drive.

You have to read the road because the weight and handling package requires more judgement.

And that’s a good thing because many modern cars are about as involving as a video driving game nowadays. Quartermaster keeps you on your toes and awake on a long journey.

Top notch Bilstein shockers control the ride and the power comes courtesy of a lusty BMW six cylinder diesel, complete with silky eight-speed ZF automatic gearbox. On the road it is torquey and usable, it even delivers reasonable fuel consumption for the beast it is – 26MPG – and it bowls along very nicely with the long wheelbase adding to the feeling of stability.

Off road it is a revelation thanks to good ground clearance, high and low ratio all-wheel-drive, with three locking differentials, front, centre and back. It will literally climb mountains and ford rivers thanks to its snorkel exhaust system.

Ineos blends raw British spirit with Germanic engineering using avionic and marine design to great effect.

In an automotive world of hi-tech blandness, where cars resemble wide screen TVs, Grenadier slaps you in the face waking motorists up to the fact that driving should be fun.

It is bold, it is different, it is capable and that’s what matters to me.